Happy Wednesday Boys,
So that wasn’t very much fun. First o-fer of the year though I’m sure it won’t be the last. The good news is that my girls still had a bit of college funds that I could dip into to send to the bookie man. I think his kids are going to go to Stanford……as long as they accept cash.
2019 Record
Last week 0-3 Overall 5-7
North Carolina +26.5 vs Clemson @ NC
Return of the Mack! After starting fast the Tar Heels have dropped their last two…….to Wake Forest and App State. Now they’ve got Dabo and that Travis Lawrence thing coming to town. Blowout right? Probably, because I’m on the Heels. I think Lawrence turns it over a couple of times and Mack and Co stay within the points.
Texas A&M -23 vs Arkansas @ Jerry World
It’s not necessarily a rule, but it’s related to one. In American College Football, when a team is trash they tend to stay trash for the entire season (See Nebraska Football rule). Arkansas defense could make anyone look like the Patriots. I know that the A&M offense has looked iffy at times so far, but the Razorbacks are the perfect way to get right.
Washington -10.5 vs USC @ Washington
I love this matchup. Love Love Love Love it. Washington’s defense is legit. It gave up some yards to Hawaii and BYU, but the key is the pass D. Only 3TD passes against them all year. USC can’t run the ball and if that QB happens to get hurt they’re going to have to bring Leinart down from the booth. This is a complete mismatch. Washington Bigly.
First things first. I’m headed to Lincoln this weekend to watch Ohio State take on my Huskers. The really good news about that is I don’t expect this to be close so I can focus on blacking out in the afternoon and not even remembering the game. Should be easy to do.
Second thing to note is that I am flying in a private plane to get there. Pretty sick, huh? It would be until you consider that that private plane is a rented Cessna 182 and my brother in law who has been a pilot for about 5 minutes is flying the plane. What could possibly go wrong?
Love you guys.

Good Afternoon Fellers,
Iowa really did that. They won by one stinkin’ point because that’s what Iowa does. They’re the absolute worst. Arkansas covers and Maryland is not, I repeat IS NOT an offensive juggernaut. 1-2 on the week. Time to get it back.
2019 Record
Last Week 1-2 Overall 5-4
Air Force +8 @ Boise St.
Air Force > Nebraska evidently. The Falcons went North to Boulder and thumped the Buffs which was something my Huskers decided was too hard to do. The only possible explanation for this is that Air Force is super good at football. For them to go on the road and beat a team that beat the Huskers is Cinderella type stuff. They are the chosen ones. This week they are headed to Boise to take on the Broncos at night and nothing says cover for the home team quite like blue turf under the lights……until you realize Boise is 8-17 ATS in their last 25 home games. Air Force wins outright here. They’re amazing.
Northwestern +9.5 vs Michigan St @ Northwestern
Our good buddy, pal, friend JL is a State fan. Today I sent him a tweet that the bear sent out (you know the fat fuck on ESPN). It read as follows: “In Michigan State’s last 5 games vs Power 5 teams the offense has 3 TDs and 9 TOs in 67 drives. Held to single digits in 4 of 5 games with the high being 14 points against Rutgers.” How in the name of Dantonio’s Pinnochio is that a thing? Now they’re favored by almost double digits? Will they even score 9 points? I’ll pay to find out.
Georgia -14 vs Notre Dame @ Georgia
Here’s another statline for ya. Georgia averages just shy of 3 bills rushing per game. Notre Dame allows about 230 on the ground per game. Translation: Georgia pounds Notre Dame harder than………..I’ll let you fill in that blank. I’m Catholic and I just don’t have the heart to make a joke about pounding and Catholics. We believe in forgiveness, but that just feels like a little much. I’ll leave that one to you heathens.
Guys. Exciting news. www.rmlocks.com<www.rmlocks.com> is up and running! This is an experiment that TJ has been working on and it will be interesting to see how many people sign up to receive this dumb ass email I started writing over 10 years ago. Feel free to direct anyone to the website to register and they will automatically get it when it goes out. I’ve always wondered how much this thing actually got circulated and I guess we’ll soon find out. I feel like T is pretty ambitious about how many people want to read this nonsense, but we’ll see.
Have a great weekend boys. Get that cheeeeeeeese!

Happy Friday Hosers,

I feel like hell is probably about like what I experienced last Saturday. Let me walk you through it.

Wake up and set up the bloody mary bar. The fam starts waking up. Everyone in red. Everyone getting faced and loading up to head to Boulder. The mission? Let these effing hippies know what time it is. Beers flow. Road trip from Estes. More beers. Gotta pee. Get to Boulder. Red EVERYWHERE! Harvest house. My goodness we’re going to pisspound these guys. Head to the stadium. Loud as shit. 1st half domination. 17-0. Cash the 1st half bet on the Huskers (broke the rule, but who cares?! It worked!) More beers. Almost peed myself. Holy crap it’s hot. 2nd half. They score. Whatever. A flea flicker? Are you effing kidding me? Still up 3. Touchdown Huskers!!!!! 10 unanswered from the Buffs? Tied up. Touchdown Huskers! Whew that was close. Got the win tho. Eff me. Maybe not. Overtime? We’re screwed. Kicking a FG with a punter. Ugh. Shoot me.

Worst. Day. Ever. At least the locks are holding up. Let’s get some dubs.

2019 Record

Last Week 2-1
Overall 4-2

Maryland -7 @ Temple

So apparently Maryland is on offensive juggernaut. Points per game average? 71. Temple beat the bricks off of Bucknell, but didn’t play last week. Maryland hasn’t been good at football since Wedding Crashers, but apparently they’ve got some juice this year so let’s give them a shot. Maybe they can get up by 17 at half and win by 30 or something. That would make me happy.

Iowa -1.5 @ Iowa State

Barf. Iowa two weeks in a row. Between that and having to stomach Nebraska getting swept by CU I am really doing some self-evaluating. Iowa is going to embarrass these guys and I guess the only thing that can make you feel good about an Iowa win is making some money off of it. The way I have it figured is that this is a win/win. If they lose, I lose money, but Iowa takes and L. Yay! If they win, I make money, but have to deal with those dickheads getting to celebrate. Not really a yay, but better than not making money. If they win by 1 I’m going to straight-up lose it. Like, lose it lose it. For real. This is not a drill.

Arkansas -10 vs Colorado State @ Arkansas

I know this is probably an unpopular pick, but I just gotta believe that Arkansas has been waiting for this game to get here. Plus this line just stinks. I would have thought this would be closer to 3 and anytime you think to your self that Vegas doesn’t know what they’re doing they’ve got you right were they want you. They’re like. Arkansas sucks (which is true). CSU beat them last year (also true). This is a gift because you’ve been getting your dick kicked in all year. And then BAM! 50-14 Arkansas and you’re sending a FedEx to bookie man. I’ve seen it a million times.

I’m going to try to have a better weekend, but I’m really nervous. Northern Illinois is coming to Lincoln and if they win you’ll be able to see the mushroom cloud from Fort Collins. The photos coming out of Lincoln will rival what was seen at Chernobyl and Syria. Those folks just won’t be able to handle it. Pray for a win boys.

Good luck!

Happy Wednesday Dipsticks,
I’m feeling really conflicted about last weekend. On one hand, I’m 2-1 and that never happens. On the other, that cover by Stanford is one of the grossest things I have ever seen. Those are the types of things that cause domestic violence and cruelty to animals charges. The good news for me is that I don’t have a dog and my wife can kick my ass.
2019 Record
Last week 2-1 Overall 2-1
Oregon -23.5 vs NV @Oregon
Hell of a game last week between Oregon and Auburn. It’s hard to be mad about Northwestern when you had both the second half over and second half Auburn. That catch covered both of them! I really like what I saw out of Oregon and I don’t think Nevada has enough in the tank after a thrilling win over Purdue. Not sure if you saw it, but the Nevada kicker got a scholly after hitting the game winner last weekend. I guess that’s cool, but he’s a kicker. Isn’t he supposed to make field goals? Fricking millennials. Always needing a pat on the back for stuff they’re already supposed to be doing….
Clemson -17.5 vs TX A/M @ Clemson
Gotta ride the tranny till it bucks ya! Clemson didn’t look that impressive in their win last week, but they covered and if we’re honest with each other that’s all that matters. I have a good friend that says “What’s the point of winning if you don’t cover?” He’s got a point.
Iowa -19.5 vs Rutgers @ Iowa
Fist of all, Fuck Iowa. Can’t believe it took me until week 2 to get that out. Here’s the deal. As much as we all want bad things to happen to bad people, it just doesn’t work that way all the time. Hitler had his run for a while, so did Bin Laden. Even Obama got 8 years. Eventually, the unfailing hammer of righteousness comes down to make things right, but until then Iowa covers. Soon Iowa, soon.
So normally I would be all giddy right now because it would mean I would be preparing to enjoy one of the funnest weekends of the year. We call it Bushwood, but others call it heaven, utopia, bliss, etc. It’s a golf tournament put together by a bunch of guys that probably drink and definitely gamble too much and it happens this weekend. Problem is I have a family reunion to go to in Estes Park so I won’t be attending. I’ve been weighing out the possibility of returning my family card, but the bad news is that my mom can kick my ass as well and I am deathly afraid of her. Next year I guess.
Have a ton of fun boys!

Hi Guys! Anyone else wake up with a boner today? Football is back baby! Right into picks, we’ve got a lot to cover.
Clemson -37 vs GA Tech @ Clemson
Trevor Lawrence looks like he belongs on a tranny pornsite rather than the QB for the #1 team in the country, but here we are. The dude can ball along with the rest of Dabo’s crew. Tech has never been more than a 37 point dog, but there is a simple explanation for why that is the case. The Yellow Jackets are trash. New defensive staff for Tech means that Clemson scores every time they touch the ball through the first half. The second string should also put up plenty of points. I just don’t see this being close at all.
Northwestern +6 at Stanford
So any college football is better than no college football, but this should be boring af to watch. They’re basically the same team. Stanford lost some key skill players and NW has a new QB. The mighty returning Big Ten West champs out Stanford Stanford for the win. Give it a little sprinkle on the money line too.
Florida Atlantic +28 at Ohio State
Lane Kiffin is bringing his crew to Columbus to play an Urb less Buckeye squad and this one should be fun to watch. Justin Fields will be the starter for OSU after transferring from Georgia. Let that sink in. Imagine having so much talent at the QB position that the guy that loses the job transfers and will start at Ohio State. Crazy. I think FAU scores enough to keep it within the 4 TD spread and make you some cheese.
So I’ve been at this gambling thing for a long time. I remember picking games with my little brother and dad when we were just kids. Dad would get out the betting sheet and we’d all pick a few games. I’ve loved it ever since. Along the way I’ve picked up some rules. These rules are in place to make sure you aren’t separated from your cash. It seems appropriate to review those now.
Football betting
1. Thursday night home dogs are a thing. Believe it. 2. Sunday night overs. 3. Tom Brady, Nick Saban, and Urban Meyer really like to cover point spreads. 4. If you make a bet on the Hawaii game after 6pm on Saturday it’s not going to end well. 5. Never bet on the Huskers. 6. If you find your self with your betting app open after midnight, don’t hit the submit button. You can still do it in the morning and chances are you won’t. 7. Always fade my picks until at least week 3.
Golf Betting
1. Don’t bet against someone that is lower than a 6 handicap. They’re the worst. (Like I said, they’re rules, but I’m a moron. This is a playbook I’ve put together off my own bad beats. I’m trying to help the people) 2. Check the card and make sure to play golf courses where you get a stroke on 18. 3. Yes. It’s always double or nothing on 18. 4. Learn how to make 4 foot putts. 5. If someone you are playing with starts a sentence with “What odds would you give me on……” Tell them to kindly eff off. 6. In golf betting you are either the windshield or the bug. As soon as you identify which one you are on any given day act accordingly. If you can’t tell, you’re the bug.
Casino betting
1. Female Asian blackjack dealers are Satan’s helpers. 2. If you’re at a craps table and a woman comes up with her boyfriend and says something to the effect of “So how do I do this?” Give her the dice and back up the truck. 3. If a black man comes to the table with more than 5 items of jewelry and gets the dice, back up the truck. If this same man blows on the dice before throwing them you are to immediately initiate “takedown mode”. 4. The MGM in Vegas is the black hole of sadness. Don’t go there. If you are forced to go there play penny slots until your buddies get steamrolled and you can go somewhere else. 5. Black 31 on Roulette
General Betting
1. Always press 2. Gambling is dumb 3. We all love it.
Here’s to a good season fellas!
Ike